Diary of a CEO: When Men Feel Unneeded

In previous episodes of Beyond the Bedroom, we’ve explored how shame, stigma and media shape our understanding of sex. This month, we look at the wider landscape of men's mental health, identity, and emotional wellbeing. These issues directly impact, and are impacted by, sexual wellness.

We recently listened to Steven Bartlett’s The Diary of a CEO podcast episode featuring Richard Reeves, during which they reflect on how society’s shifting expectations of masculinity are leaving many men uncertain of their place, and how this uncertainty affects mental health. Richard Reeves, a social scientist and author of Of Boys and Men, makes the case that men are falling behind in education, struggling with emotional expression, and lacking a sense of purpose in a rapidly changing world.

With women achieving increasing financial independence, marriage has become a choice rather than a necessity. As women’s roles have evolved, many men have found themselves with no clear roadmap forward. Reeves describes a cultural “question mark” hanging over modern masculinity - what are men for, if not to provide? Without a clear answer, many men report feeling unneeded, and over time, this can translate into feelings of worthlessness.This is a theme that resonates with men experiencing unemployment, loneliness, or the end of a relationship. Men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women, and most commonly report feeling “useless” or “worthless” before doing so.

As we’ve discussed in earlier episodes, sexual dysfunction, such as premature ejaculation, can have a significant impact on self-esteem and relationship quality. When viewed through the lens of Reeves’ insights, the emotional impact of sexual dysfunction takes on new weight. Many traditional definitions of masculinity still tie sexual performance to male identity. If a man is already grappling with feelings of inadequacy or loss of direction, sexual issues can further reinforce a damaging internal narrative: “I’m not enough.” This can lead to avoidance of intimacy, relationship breakdowns, and worsening mental health.

Reeves cautions that ignoring men’s struggles creates space for less constructive voices to dominate the conversation. Instead of dismissing men or framing masculinity as inherently toxic, we need to shape a new narrative, one that embraces vulnerability, reinforces a sense of purpose, and encourages men to seek help without shame. He notes that many men feel their problems are treated as ‘second-tier,’ less urgent than those of women, or worse, blamed on them with assumptions like “they’re lazy,” “they watch too much porn,” or “they’re toxic.” Ultimately, we need to be able to do two things at once; continue to fight for women whilst also helping men. 

Let’s broaden the conversation around men’s sexual, emotional, and social health. If you haven’t listened to Richard Reeves’ episode on The Diary of a CEO, we recommend it!